Monthly Archives: February 2010

Telebasura: Belen Esteban

Every day I struggle to drag to myself out of the windowless coffin that is my bedroom and – after 15 mins attempting to get wet under the sporadic dribble that passes as a shower – I land in the living room. Aka the Tele Torture Room. When I announce myself (usually after midday) my housemate (I shall name her Cristina) is invariably lying under her blanket on the three person sofa, in her pyjamas, absolutely enraptured by what I believe in Spain is called ‘Telebasura’, or Trash TV…

As far as I can tell Spanish daytime TV consists solely of 1) two or people shouting loudly at one another about something incredibly trivial or 2) footage of something from last night’s TV where two or more people are shouting loudly at one another about something incredibly trivial – which is subsequently argued over, loudly, by shouting. Yes this is the relaxing communal space that offers my sole means of escaping my coffin for the day.

Whilst I could write at some length at just how irritating Spanish daytime TV really is (I’m certain it would be even more so if I understood what they are saying… kind of like when chavs talk on the bus. If they are foreign chavs it’s never as bad), there is one figure who is more constantly on screen than the excruciatingly repetitive ad breaks and who has, by method of daily torture, become my number one figure of hate in Spain. That person is Belen Esteban.

Her wretched scrawny fake tan face with her pull-back badly-dyed hair, ridiculous fish lips and horrid wonky-nostrilled nose is a sight that provokes an immense almost incontrollable wrath in me – and has surely caused many more sane people than me to punch their TV at the mere sight of her. Ironically this revolting vision is the face of someone AFTER plastic surgery!!! And doubly ironically she isn’t suing the clearly cack-handed doctor who did the Picasso job on her features… apparently she is well pleased with the results claiming her new look ‘has given me the strength to become a mother again.’ If I have to tell you that the woman is retarded, then please jump off the nearest cliff.

So who is this Senora Esteban exactly, this tyrant of the airwaves? And, if she is so ugly and stupid, how did she become famous in the first place? By shagging someone famous of course! Like all Z-list celebrities a pathetic passion ‘to be somebody’ saw her grab a role in some god awful soap drama in the early stages of her career, however she only really got her public attention after she split up with her torrero (bull fighter) boyfriend and dragged the break up through the ‘Pink Press’ as it is called here in Spain (tabloids/gossip mags). Since then, it seems if you want someone to come on a daytime TV show and shout louder than anyone else and do lots of ridiculous pouting and expressions, then Belen Esteban is the girl for you. I say girl, but even post-operation she looks about 53 and I can only assume she spent most of her twenties doing every drug going because at 37 years old her face is completely knackered.

For some reason said operation has made Belen pretty much the most talked about subject in Spain right now amongst the country’s uneducated masses, which is about as depressing a state of affair as I can imagine. I haven’t bothered to ask what sensible Spanish people I know what they think of their very own Katie Price (in fact Jordan looks both attractive and intellectual by comparison…) just in case one of them expresses anything but the venomous contempt and I am forced to commit a brutal and sadistic murder.

If you have sensitive eyes, I urge you to look away now:

Before operation (I think):

My tormentor in chief

After operation (maybe?):

A face made for punching

Amusingly a Facebook group dedicated to ‘The Old Face of Belen Esteban’ has been set up… with more pics of the wrinkled old cow.